In this post I am going to talk about a number of topics. My goal is to give you some practical information that will help you relate to your son and help him more effectively.
The topics I will be covering include:
- Current concerns for teenage boys
- Parenting challenges
- The developmental tasks of adolescence
- Useful tips in helping your son find motivation
Parental concerns & teenage boy statistics
I came across a funny quote awhile ago that says: “Parenting teens is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.” There are so many challenges that you face as the parent of a teenager. Adolescence is an exciting time of growth, exploration and development, but it can also be a time of conflict, angst and relational difficulties. Last year I did an online parent survey to try and figure out the challenges that parents were facing. One of the major themes was anxiety and questions around how to deal with the worry we experience as parents, both for the present and the future.
- How do I understand what is just “normal” kid behavior?
- How can I effectively communicate with my son? He says that I am a nag.
- How do I help him manage his feelings, challenges and responsibilities?
- How can I learn long-term techniques to affect change for his future?
Even though we don’t want to admit it at times, there is a great deal of uncertainty in parenting and we struggle with many things. Are we giving them enough love, discipline, direction, boundaries, affirmation and tools for the future? And ultimately, are our kids going to turn out OK?
Major concerns for modern youth
Now as a therapist, I consider optimism to be an essential ingredient in my job description. However, I also have to be a realist. I am always an advocate of hope and positive change for young people, but there are some major cultural trends that our kids are fighting against. There are some genuinely frightening statistics when you look at the behaviors of teenage boys.
Depression is the most common mental health issue amongst adolescents. Approximately 20% of teens experience depression, which can lead to other behaviors, such as substance abuse and even suicide.
Suicide is the third leading cause of teen deaths. Statistically, more teen girls attempt suicide, but teenage boys are more lethal in their attempts and often they are less likely to call for help or intervention.
A few other concerns for teens include bullying, specifically cyberbullying, sexual promiscuity and gang violence, which is a present reality for many young people.
Drug use has actually gone down since 1990, but prescription drug use among teens has skyrocketed since then, especially the use of Oxycontin and even other psychiatric medications. Of course marijuana is the most commonly used illicit drug in the United States and this is certainly prevalent in teen culture.
Another modern day epidemic, which is both a blessing and a curse, is the technology that consumes both parents and teenagers. Think about your teenagers’ behaviors. How often is he in constant connection with his cell phone, iPad, iPod, laptop or video games? A recent Kaiser Family Foundation report indicates that children aged 8-18 spend over 7.5 hours “plugged in” on any given day. This is a health concern and a social concern and it also affects family relationships.
I am sure that you could add to this list and the truth is there is no shortage of anxiety for the modern parent.
Quick mention of the Teen Visioning Program
In my therapy practice and in many interactions with other teenagers, I have observed these struggles and I decided that I wanted to find a way to help guide young people in this challenging process. This is why I am offering a program this summer called Teen Visioning. It is a five week group program that will help your teenage son to identify his personal strengths, imagine a successful and exciting future and discover new possibilities and opportunities. I will give you more details at the end of this post if you are interested.
Overview of the developmental tasks of adolescence
In this conversation, I think the concept of developmental tasks can be very helpful. Developmental tasks are essentially milestones that our kids need to successfully pass in order to develop into healthy and functional adults. The essential developmental task for your adolescent is for him to develop a sense of his identity that is increasingly independent from you, his parents. HIs main concerns can be summed up in the question, “Who am I and where am I going?”
This search for identity encompasses many things including, developing more mature peer relationships, achieving a masculine social role, accepting his physique, achieving emotional independence from his parents, preparing for marriage and family life, preparing for an economic career, developing their personal values and desiring and achieving socially responsible behavior.
Of course not all of these things are achieved in the teenage years and many professionals would agree that the phase of adolescence actually extends into a person’s 20′s. Most 18 year olds, while considered legal adults are not yet prepared for marriage and career responsibilities. There may be some exceptions, but if you think of your teenage son I imagine you would agree.
Brain development is an important factor in your son’s development. The neocortex, which is the portion of the brain that is responsible for thinking and planning is not fully wired up until your son is 25 years old. Your son’s brain is constantly in the process of development during his adolescent years.
Other physical changes that affect him significantly include the onset of puberty, with an infusion of testosterone that can dramatically affect his moods and his ability to make reasonable decisions.
So the question comes to my mind, if your teenage son is going through so many changes and he seems uninterested in the future, personal responsibility, moral values or anything outside of his self-focused existence, what in the world can motivate him towards these important themes of life?
So what motivates teens?
Teenagers are often motivated by the three F’s – friends, freedom and fun. In contrast, parents are often motivated by the desire for freedom from anxiety. So the three F’s are fairly self explanatory. Teens want to feel connected and accepted within their peer group, which may often feel like it is more important to them than eating, sleeping or breathing. They want to have a sense of freedom to make decisions, go where they want to go and generally choose for themselves. And lastly, teenagers want to have a good time, which is why often times school, work & responsibility takes a backseat to the more pressing matter of chillin’ as they might say.
But, ultimately teens want to grow up and they want to feel empowered. If you can find out what motivates your teenage son, you can be successful in supporting him through these important transitions.
Ways that parents can support & motivate their teens
So, what can you do to help? I have to preface this information with talking about the importance of your relationship with your teenage son. There is no parenting strategy or Top ten list that can replace a trusting, mutually respectful relationship with your son. It is from a place of security in your love and belief in him that your son will respond to your encouragement and your efforts to help him move forward. If you are a safe place for him to come to, when he succeeds or when he feels defeated or ashamed, then you can more effectively offer your much needed support. This is just so important and often times people need help with this relationships piece and that is why they seek counseling during this phase of life.
With that said, I can move on to my top ten list (expanded from a previous blog post)
1. Provide an incentive
For better or worse teenagers often have a me-centric view of the world with a strong now-orientation. If they can figure out “what’s in it for me” they may just be willing to work hard. This may not be a character flaw. In truth everyone one of us needs a reason or a purpose to accomplish any task. Your teenager may need some help finding a reason to get himself moving. Some people would say that providing an incentive is the same thing as a bribe, but that may be very appropriate. The incentive can be a material object or money, as we all know that teens are motivated by money. It could be something else, such as an experience or an opportunity, like earning the privilege of driving Dad’s classic car or something like that. The incentive could even be Mom or Dad’s approval, some sort of honor in the family or even bragging rights.
2. Issue a challenge
Teenagers, especially boys, may respond to a friendly challenge. “I bet you can’t wash all those dishes in ten minutes” or “I wonder if you can beat your score on that last Science quiz.” Competition with others can be healthy at times. Encouraging your son to compete against himself may just be the trick to get him going.
When I was a teenager, my mother provided me with a challenge that included an incentive. She told me that if I could get a 3.5 GPA in school that she would buy me a new drum set. Now, I loved playing the drums and still do, but my set at the time was not impressive and I really wanted that new Pearl World Series drum set. I worked extremely hard to earn it. It was an amazing accomplishment for me and I had all kinds of positive self-esteem as a result.
3. Make it fun
As I said before, teenagers live for the three F’s, which again are freedom, friends and fun. Fun is an essential ingredient and it is surprising what teens will do when they are having a good time. Jump in and do the task with your son. Use humor and playfulness to motivate and engage him. Help your son to imagine his future and make it fun. You could go on a road trip to visit colleges, play video games with him and talk about life together or just find any reason you can to laugh together.
4. Speak his love language
Find out what your teenage son responds to and what helps him feel loved and supported. Does your son prefer words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time or physical touch? Does he need to hear you say, “You’re doing a good job son.” Would he respond to a gift that is given to help him explore life options, such as an iPad? 
Could he use more hugs or pats on the back or even more wrestling time with Dad to feel connected and supported? Teenagers will often respond more positively when they feel cared for and encouraged by their parents. This may be challenging, but creating a strong relationship with your teenage son is essential to having an influential voice in his life.
5. Help him think about the future
For a teenager, considering the future may involve figuring out what they are going to eat in the next 15 minutes. It can be difficult for them to envision what next year will bring or even what they want to accomplish after high school. Even though he may think he has it figured out, your son needs you to walk this road with him and assist him in planning for a meaningful and successful life. The truth is that he needs your help with this step, because his brain is still developing and building an orientation towards the future is a definite skill. But of course, keep it fun, because this step can easily become a lecture and a sure way for your son to tune you out.
6. Use his peer group
If there is anything sacred to a teenager it is their connection to their community. This peer orientation can be damaging and lead your son down the wrong path, but it can also be used for his benefit. Talk to your son about his friends and what they are excited about. What types of activities are they involved in? What kinds of interests do they have? Praising respectable or honorable qualities in your son’s friends may actually encourage him to follow along. This may be hard at times if your son’s friends don’t seem respectable, but even kids that are rough around the edges can have a good heart. You may be able to use their influence in a positive way. And of course, if all your son’s friends are getting good grades and headed to college it is easier for him to adopt similar goals that are acceptable to his social group.
7. Use modern technology and social media
I was only half joking about the iPad that I mentioned earlier. With young people today, if you add technology to any pursuit it can make it more engaging and interesting. This could mean using the internet to research various careers, the military or colleges to attend. This could mean encouraging your son to “Like” the Facebook pages of influential people, or colleges or other social causes. This could mean texting your son with supportive comments or reminders, but only if he is OK with this of course. I don’t often think of the TV as technology, but there are some great documentaries, movies and TV programs that could influence and encourage your teenager in positive directions. Whatever the application, it may be critical to use technology to communicate and motivate him towards a fulfilling and interesting future.
8. Provide opportunity for small successes that he can build upon
When teenagers think about the future with their sense of uncertainty and all the unknowns can be truly overwhelming. It is helpful for all of us to find ways to feel successful with each step on the long road to our goals. This has been referred to as the snowball effect, because the progression builds confidence and self-esteem in the same way that rolling a snowball increases its size, little by little. You can help your son to make small achievements and feel acknowledged and positive about each one.
9. Encourage your son to “re-invest” in a passion or interest that he was formerly excited about
This point is self-explanatory, but your son may have had a previous interest, such as drawing, music or sports that he may benefit from picking back up. Often adolescents, caught up with school and peer culture, forget what they loved as kids. Often these things can be adapted to be acceptable to the teenage mind. A passion for doodling could turn into interest in graphic design, playing in the school band could turn into playing in a garage band with friends and interest in sports can of course be applied to any phase of your son’s academic career. This is the key part about finding out what he loves and helping him take steps towards those things.
10. Give your son a structured way to consider his future
As I mentioned before, whether they accept it or not our kids do need our help in this process. Providing a structured way for your son to engage on the topics of motivation and future planning may be easy or it may be quite challenging. This could take many forms, from volunteering at the Humane Society to getting a job or participating in a summer program like Teen Visioning. Often teenagers don’t know what they like until they experience it first hand. I thank God that my Mom didn’t let me off the hook every time I complained about doing something unpleasant. So giving your son a structured way to consider his future can be a very positive and crucial experience.
Information about the Teen Visioning Program
Here at the end of our call today I wanted to give you some more information about my Teen Visioning Program. The concept of Visioning involves the development of a plan, goal, or vision for the future, which is vital for a teen’s successful transition to adulthood. The purpose of the program is to give teenage boys an opportunity to identify their personal strengths, imagine an exciting future and discover new possibilities and opportunities. It is set up as a group format with around 4-5 boys in the group. There will be four group meetings and an added benefit of a family meeting to help parents support their teens in this process. In the groups I am going to use some personality testing, some creative arts and group discussion to help the boys begin to find some life direction and some ideas about their unique purpose. It is so important for our young men to have supportive people and engaging activities to occupy their time and stimulate their growing brains.
A influential man name Jim Rohn said, “If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan.”
I am very excited to be offering this program over the summer and think it will be a lot of fun. The program starts on June 22nd.
You can get more information by going to the website at http://teenvisioning.com/
If you have any questions or comments please give me a call at (707) 520-4357 or send me an email at uriah@helpthiskid.com.
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