Out of the huge range of human emotions teenage boys are only allowed to show happiness or anger. Anything approaching emotional vulnerability is dangerous territory and must be avoided at all costs.

Of course, we never tell boys this, but they learn it from an early age. Boys should be tough. We tell them to stop crying, get up and walk it off or other such messages. Basically, don’t ever show that you are weak. They certainly don’t want to be labeled as a “sensitive” boy.

Unfortunately, this leads to all sorts of problems when boys experience distressing emotions and just don’t know what to do. They don’t have good emotional problem solving skills and the vulnerable feelings often get translated into anger. This usually equals some kind of trouble, whether it is blowing up or shutting down.

Some boys area amazingly in-tune and aware of their feelings, but many just don’t have the emotional vocabulary to understand what is going on.

While it is quite simple, the feeling chart pictured above is very helpful and I use it often in my work with boys. Helping teenagers to label their emotions is an important step in assisting them in increasing their awareness and gaining some new skills.

We start with anger and then do a little digging to find all kinds of other interesting things. Maybe the teen felt hurt when his friends left without him, maybe he felt ashamed at getting caught with pot again, maybe he felt embarrassment when he heard his Mom talking about his problems on the phone or maybe he felt sadness and disappointment after getting his report card. When he understands the feeling then he can take steps to figure out what to do about it.

I’ll be honest in saying that as a teenager I was crazy confused about what I was feeling most of the time. I’m not entirely sure I would have been open to it, but I wish that I had more help in sorting out some of that mess! While it can be a difficult task, many teenagers would benefit from a caring adult helping them to label their feelings and in starting to build some emotional intelligence.

It is part of my purpose to be one of those caring adults, a safe place for boys to be honest and learn about real strength.

What are your thoughts on supporting boys in learning about their emotions?

Check out my Free April teleseminar on
“How To Deal with Your Angry Teenager”

This week I will be interviewing Regina Whitaker, PhD on the topic of adolescents and anger. Dr. Whitaker is a Psychologist in San Francisco and has extensive experience working with adolescents. On top of that, she has a fabulous personality and I can promise that this will be a fun and interesting conversation.

To get the details for this upcoming event click the button below.

For the uninitiated, Angry Birds is one of the most popular casual games that has arrived on smartphones and multiple other platforms. It is quite addictive and I am a bit uncomfortable admitting how much time I have spent playing this game.

In the game, players slingshot a variety of different birds towards various structures that hold some otherwise defenseless pigs. There is apparently a huge rift between the birds and the pigs and they basically hate each other. I tend to like analogies and this game reminds me of some of the difficulties that parents have dealing with their angry teens.

Teenagers can be very emotional and often times this is channeled into angry words and behaviors. This can be especially challenging for parents. I realize that comparing parents to pigs may not be favorable. Don’t get me wrong, I have ultimate respect for parents and the amazing ways that we (including myself) show up for our kids. However, sometimes we can be unprepared, caught off guard and generally handle our kids anger poorly.

Here are some thoughts on the different expressions of teen anger and how parents can respond.

The Red Bird

The red bird is the most balanced of all the birds. It flies straight and does a minimum amount of damage. This is similar to a “normal” level of teen anger that is not terribly surprising or hard to deal with. All teenagers get irritable, feel like complaining and generally act disgruntled at times. This is not unusual and most parents can manage this with some listening, empathy and appropriate limits.

The Yellow Bird

The yellow bird can cause some quick damage. It can pass through several walls, specifically soft materials. It is useful when you are trying to bring down taller structures, often striking at the weakest point. The yellow bird could be compared to the teenager who uses quick bursts of anger to challenge your authority. This may include some emotional manipulation that attempts to bring you down by striking at your weak points.

Teens are often at a disadvantage when trying to get what they want. Some will use quick flashes of anger that can even be mean and accusatory. “I hate you and you are ruining my life” or “This is probably why Dad left you.” Does this sound familiar? You may be able to fill in the blanks on this one.

The trick is that this works on many parents. We are human and respond to direct challenges and assault on our character or our parenting skills. Teenagers are smart, even crafty and they pay attention. Stay calm and recognize that your teen is using the yellow bird on you. Don’t give in to the temptation to strike back in hurtful ways. You can also acknowledge the emotions they are feeling, even though their expression may be inappropriate.

The Blue Bird

The blue bird is small, but especially effective because it attacks at multiple points. It explodes in the air, splitting into 3 separate birds. This is helpful when trying to hit structures that are far apart from each other. When teenagers are angry at their parents they will often focus on several points of attack.

This may be the teen who expresses anger by complaining about everything and having a constantly negative attitude. It could also be the teen who is always picking on you and pointing out all of your faults.

Teens can be strategic and they often know that applying pressure in several areas may cause their parents to cave in. It may be helpful to have an honest conversation about what is really bothering them, what is underneath all that irritability and expressed anger. This may be difficult, but it could lead to some understanding about their primary emotions (sadness, fear, grief) and where they are coming from. Watch out for the blue bird!

The Green Bird

The green bird acts as a sort of boomerang and it is used when trying to hit inaccessible spots from the left. This little guy can take down even the most fortified buildings by knocking on the back door. This would be the passive-aggressive teen who makes a show like everything is OK, but then hits you from behind.

He doesn’t usually appear angry, but you will often find yourself getting angry at him for what he is doing or failing to do. I know this one well, because I was an excellent green bird as a teenager!

It takes a perceptive and self-controlled parent to deal with this kind of angry teen. This is the teen who does his chores all wrong and you just know it is on purpose. Even so, you end up stepping in to do the job right. Win for the green bird! It takes patience to work with this kind of indirect anger. You may need to be direct, even a bit confrontational in pointing out this unhelpful, negative pattern. With love of course! Keep your eyes open for the green bird.

The White Bird

The white bird drops explosive  bombs that do a small amount of damage. This is useful against weak materials, such as wood. The white bird is not very powerful, but it can be good when targeting certain areas. This is the teen who throws out sarcastic comments and minor insults when they are angry. This can be bothersome and not fun to be around, but not terribly harmful.

Don’t get me wrong, this kind of angry teen can really get under your skin. You may need to say, “I know you are angry, but that kind of behavior is not OK with me.” Then follow up by letting them know what kind of consequences they can expect if they don’t make a change.

This bird is most effective when the bombs are dropped into opening where they can get down to the bottom and cause problems. Pay attention to the areas of your parenting where you leave yourself wide open and vulnerable. Maybe you promise consequences, but rarely follow through. Maybe your teen knows that if he makes fun of your weight problems that you will react in a big way. Consider what your weak points might be.

The Black Bird

The black bird is one of my favorites and it easily does the most damage. The black bird explodes after a while, once it hits any surface. It is effective against the hardest structures, such as rock buildings.

There are definitely times when teenage anger can be explosive and even devastating. Teens can have violent blow-ups, hysterical melt-downs and everything in between. This may include punching holes in the walls, running away, threats of harm to parents or even self-harm.

This type of angry expression can be especially hard for parents to deal with. Anger can be an incredibly raw and unsettling emotion. It can bring up so many other emotions and memories of past experiences. Often the best thing to do is pay attention to maintaining as much physical and emotional safety for your teen as possible.

Don’t get in their way, but try to guide them to less destructive options. The anger will pass and they will calm down. If this type of struggle becomes a regular occurrence it may be wise to get some professional help for you and your teen.

I hope that you enjoyed reading this post as much as I enjoyed writing it. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

For more information on “How To Deal with Your Angry Teenager” check out my Free parenting teleseminar on this topic. Click HERE to listen or download the audio.

Later in high school I aspired to be a graphic artist and was accepted into several art schools for graphic design. Instead of pursuing that path I ended up studying theology and psychology. Now I am a professional doodler.

I enjoy using creative expression in my therapy work with young people. The younger kids love it and sometimes I can even get teenagers involved! Art is non-verbal, expressive and it can be an excellent path to emotional healing.

“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination.” - Albert Einstein

I thought I would share some of my artwork that has been inspired by my counseling work. Sometimes art is just better than words. (You can click on the images to see larger versions).

Sometimes our outward expression (smiling) is very different from our internal experience (anxiety).

The path to our goals is not always clear and sometimes we have to go backwards before we go forward again.

The anguish of adolescence can be intense. Feelings of confusion, loneliness and sadness can be difficult to express.

This figure reminds me that we all have multiple layers. Our motivations, thoughts and feelings can often be complex.

I have compassion for kids who do not have fathers and also for those that suffer abuse and do not have a voice.

This is one of those drawings that did not have a clear purpose or meaning. Maybe it is about the many directions we can choose in life. Feel free to add your own interpretation.

As a psychotherapist, I am witness to the best and worst parts of humanity. I remain an optimist and I always believe that people can change and overcome the obstacles in their lives.

People have the capacity to be loving and kind, as well as hurtful and destructive.

One thing I love about art is that it doesn’t have to involve planning or thinking. Even though this character seems robotic or alien, this one makes me think about human potential.

There is definitely a part of me that relates with the sadness and anguish of teenage boys. I imagine this makes me an effective therapist, connecting with my clients in the places where they hurt the most.

I guess there is a theme here. What teenager hasn’t wondered at some point if anyone cares or if anyone would listen to their pain?

This one is a little creepy to me, but it reminds me that mental illness is a reality for many people. There are people who struggle with major depression, crippling anxiety and even more severe lifelong disorders.

Thanks for taking a look at my artwork. Even though I did not choose a career in art or music, I am grateful that I can use my creativity to express myself and help my clients to create meaning and find healing in their lives.

How do you use art and creativity in your life or in your work? I would love to hear about it.

In this post I am going to share with you four important keys for successfully setting limits with your teenager. These thoughts are inspired by a book I have been reading called “Boundaries with Teens” by Dr. John Townsend. I would definitely recommend checking it out if this is an area of your parenting that needs to be strengthened.

Here are some things to consider next time you have a conversation with your teenager about your expectations and their behaviors.

1. Love: I am on your side

When you set limits with your teen it is likely to cause conflict and initially create separation in your relationship. That is why it is always important to start with love. Your teen needs to know that even though he drives you crazy, ultimately you are on his side and you really do care.

If you skip expressing your feelings and genuine intentions, your limits can feel like you are always trying to ruin his fun and that you really don’t care about what he cares about.

In family therapy, I help parents create more balance between enforcing rules and building positive connections. These are both important aspects of your relationship with your teen. However, without feeling secure in your love your teen will be more likely to resist your limits.

“Love also helps your teen begin to see that his behavior is the problem, not an out-of-control and angry parent.”

Many parents move too quickly past this step. Do you take it as a given that your teen knows you love him? This may be something to consider.

2. Truth: I have some rules & requirements

Rules and requirements are a fact of life, even though there are some adults who pretend this isn’t true. From speed limits to tax laws to the unspoken rules of friendships.

There are parents who give their kids love without limits. The Chinese proverb says, “Parents who are afraid to put their foot down usually have children who step on their toes” These teens often hold more power and control in the family than their parents. They are not well equipped for life.

Here is a helpful tip. The more immature your teenager is, the more specific you must be. It is easy to get mad when your teen doesn’t come close to meeting your expectations. You may need to spend a bit more time explaining and modeling how to follow the rules of the family. Don’t get mad, get clear.

“You are helping your child see that structure and responsibility are normal and expected in life.”

Check out this Family Communication Worksheet that I often give to my clients. This worksheet will help you get clear on your expectations and effectively communicate them to your teenager. Click HERE to download the worksheet.

3. Freedom: You can choose to respect or reject the rules

This one might make you a bit uncomfortable. Your son is no longer a toddler that you can physically restrain. It is impossible at this stage of life to have anything approaching complete control. In fact, there is little that you can actually “force” your teen to do.

This is a truth for you to accept and also to acknowledge with your teen. It could sound something like this. “I know you understand my expectations and I also realize that you have a choice to make. You can choose to respect or reject my rules. I know that I can’t make you choose the right thing.”

“Whenever you find yourself in the “you have to” and “I’ll make you” trap, get out of it.”

Power struggles with your teen often set up a lose-lose situation. Avoid this whenever possible.

I believe that teenagers respect adults who speak the truth to them and don’t try to control them. Your teen may fight and fuss, but he will have difficulty arguing with you if you are consistently clear, fair and honest. Don’t skip the step of acknowledging your teenager’s freedom of choice.

4. Reality: Here is what will happen

This key is about helping your teen understand the potential consequences for his actions. This applies to bigger life lessons as well as what will happen if he chooses not to follow your clear expectations.

It is important to recognize that your teenager’s brain is still developing the capacities for judgment, impulse control, dealing with right and wrong and rationality. This is a work in progress.

It is time well spent in helping your teen map out the cause-and-effect of his choices, preferably not when emotions and voices are being raised. Aside from clearly stating your chosen consequences, it is a good idea to challenge your teen to imagine the outcomes of his actions on his own.

“Consequences should be both said and done. Your teen needs to know what will happen on the other side of the line. He also need to experience what will happen on the other side of the line.”

The next time you decide you need to have a limit setting conversation, be sure to tell your teen:

1. I love you and I am on your side
2. I have some rules and requirements for your behavior
3. You can choose to respect or reject these rules
4. Here is what will happen if you reject these rules

For more in-depth information on this topic check out my Free Teleseminar.

“How To Set Limits with Your Teenager” - this Friday at 10am PST.

For details and to sign-up click the button below.

Toys in my therapy office

Have you ever wondered what goes on inside a therapist’s office? Here is a little peek inside my counseling practice (at least the parts I can share!).

I mostly counsel teenage boys and their families. For the teenagers, they are often coming under duress and in various stages of displeasure.

While I would love to have more motivated clients, this is a reality that I accept and actually something that I can relate to. I was 15 years old when my Mom dragged me to a therapist’s office. That is a story for another post.

It is my mission, in that first session, to make a connection with the teenage boy and together figure out how counseling might actually help him. You can imagine that this is a tricky task. Then I say, “What do you think about coming back next week?” I get all types of responses, but usually it tips on the positive side.

Hopefully, I have shown him that I may be able to understand his situation and that I am, in fact, a safe and trustworthy adult. This usually involves a good dose of humor and empathy for his predicament.

I thought it would be interesting to share with you some of the behind the scenes information on what I do in my counseling office.

I form a trusting relationship with my clients.

I know this sounds exactly like something a therapist would say, but it is so important. This relationship is based on confidentiality and mutual respect.

When I am talking to my teenage clients, I explain the “Vegas Rule” to them. That means that what happens in counseling stays in counseling. Usually, they laugh or at least crack a smile. This is a vital part of effective counseling and especially so with teenagers. If my clients think there is a chance that I am going to share their personal information with their parents, they will not talk to me.

The Vegas Rule covers some sensitive topics like sexual activity and drug use. I explain to parents that I will keep this information private, unless I believe their son is in imminent danger. This can be uncomfortable for some parents, while others agree to this readily, simply wanting their son to have someone to talk to.

Here are some of the ways that I help teenage boys in counseling.

• Understanding and managing their feelings
• Learning how to communicate and get along with their families
• Learning emotional problem solving skills
• Finding solutions that work by collaborating with my clients and their families
• Understanding their strengths and using them to be more successful in life
• Learning how to take responsibility for their feelings and their actions
• Developing a greater capacity for empathy and understanding other people, especially their families

I create a new therapy for each client.

This means that counseling never looks the same. I look for creative ways to support my clients and use a different approach for each kid. Sometimes this involves playing football in the parking lot, sometimes it is art therapy, sometimes it is making lists on the white board, sometimes it is creating role plays and other times it is just having honest conversations, including using the “F” word (that would be Feelings).

Sometimes my clients tells their parents, “All we do is play chess” or some form of this kind of statement. I often reassure the parents that I am not just playing games with their son, I am working my magic. Often times, boys (men included) communicate more openly and honestly while doing activities and I use this fact to my advantage.

I make a sincere effort to keep teenagers interested and engaged in therapy. I listen to them, I encourage them and I challenge them to make tough decisions and feel empowered to take control of their lives. It is difficult, but rewarding work and I can’t imagine myself doing anything else.

I am curious what you would like to know about what goes on inside a therapist’s office?

I heard a song the other day that I could not get out of my head.

It wasn’t just the catchy melody and the beat that stuck with me. I couldn’t stop thinking about the messages in the music, specifically about using drugs and having a “who cares” attitude.

The song is called “Young, Wild & Free” by Snoop Dog and Wiz Khalifa, two very well known hip-hop artists.

Please understand that I am not picking on rap music. I am simply using this song as an example. I could easily comment on what Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, John Mayer and the Foo Fighters are teaching our kids.

Musicians, celebrities and athletes are powerful influences on our young people and often they are the teachers that teenagers pay the most attention to. It is important to know what your kids are tuning in to and what kind of influences they are drawn to.

So, here it is. Drug education by Snoop Dog and Wiz Khalifa.

The chorus is a good summary for this four point lesson.

“So what we get drunk, So what we smoke weed. We’re just having fun. We don’t care who sees. So what we go out. That’s how it’s supposed to be, living young and wild and free.”

1. Partying is a mandate

“Yeah, roll one, smoke one. When you live like this you’re supposed to party.” Smoking pot and drinking alcohol is a way of life. Teenagers are supposed to experiment, right? Besides, pretty much everyone at school parties and smokes weed.

2. Fun is all that matters

“Roll one, smoke one and we all just having fun.” It’s no big deal and it doesn’t hurt anyone. If it feels good, it can’t be bad. Look at the people in the music video, they are having a blast hanging out and smoking pot.

“Blowin’ everywhere we goin’ and now you knowin’ – When I step right up, get my lighter so I can light up.” Drugs and alcohol will always add fun to any gathering of friends. In fact, it’s not really fun until everyone is getting messed up.

3. You shouldn’t care what people think

“And I don’t even care, cause if me and my team in there, there’s gonna be some weed in the air.” Who cares what your parents, your teachers and your coaches think. They don’t really understand anyway. Think about the stories you will be able to tell your friends.

4. You should be wild & free

Above all else, you should be able to do what you want, when you want to. You should be able to achieve the teenage dream of total freedom. You might as well push the limits and get away with as much as you can while you are young.

These are powerful messages wrapped up in a fun and danceable package.

(If you are curious, here is the link to the video of this song. Warning: it is definitely not safe for work.)

Here’s the truth

All you have to do is look at the criminal records for Snoop Dog and Wiz Khalifa to see that being young and wild does not lead to freedom.

Snoop Dog has been arrested for possession of marijuana, cocaine and illegal weapons dating back to 1993. He was charged as an accomplice in a murder and has also been involved in gang violence. He was accused of giving marijuana and ecstasy to minors and filming them doing sexual acts. Wiz Khalifa has been arrested for marijuana possession and drug trafficking.

Now, I am not saying that smoking pot will lead teenagers to use hard drugs and get involved in gang violence. However, there are serious consequences and risks involved with underage drinking and drug use.

It is inaccurate and dishonest to present a care-free party lifestyle without consequences. That is simply not a reality for most teenagers. A more likely picture involves family conflict, failing in school, juvenile hall and drug rehab programs.

I love what socially-conscious rap artist Macklemore has to say about these issues in his song Otherside.

“Us rappers underestimate the power and the effects that we have on these kids. Syrup, percocet and an eighth a day will leave you broke, depressed, and emotionally vacant. Despite how Lil’ Wayne lives, it’s not conducive to being creative.”

I think our kids deserve to hear the truth about what will lead them to happiness and success, despite what pop culture tells them.

What do you think?

This post is not going to be what you think.

I recently finished the biography on Steve Jobs. It was a fascinating 656 pages that I had a hard time putting down. Yes, Steve Jobs was obsessed with his work and often neglected his role as a father to his children. However, here are a couple things that I learned from his story.

Marry the right person

Having a partner that complements your personality style and makes up the difference for your flaws and shortcomings is a wonderful thing. As far as I can tell Laurene Powell Jobs is an amazing woman and probably one of the only people that could have put up with a man like Steve. I think that she did her best to support her husband and parent their children despite his areas of lack. That is a true gift.

Finding the right person to co-parent your children with you is crucial. Whether you are married, divorced, dating or single.

Mentoring is key

By all accounts, Steve Jobs was not very attentive to his daughters, but he had a special relationship with his son Reed. He would bring him to board meetings, invite him to look at plans at the kitchen table and really had a strong influence on him. It is important not to miss out on the opportunity for father’s to mentor their sons and mother’s to mentor their daughters. This can be a beautiful mix of quality time and teaching skills for the future.

Make up for your mistakes

Steve Jobs fathered a child in the late 70′s, but for many years he strongly denied paternity. He refused to acknowledge that she was his daughter and did not offer financial support, even though he was a multimillionaire. Strangely enough, he even named a computer after her (Lisa), while still denying he was the father. Later he established a relationship with her and they enjoyed some good times together, even though their relationship was not perfect.

It is so vitally important to be able to learn from our mistakes as parents. We have many opportunities to grow closer to our kids through making amends for our poor choices. We can teach them that we are not perfect people, but we care enough to make things right.

Create special memories with your kids

Steve had an awesome tradition with his kids. When each one of his three kids turned 13 years old he promised to take them on a trip anywhere in the world. Just the two of them. I am sure this was special and exciting for each child. One-on-one time with Dad and the choice to pick any destination they wanted. Of course, it helps if you have a private jet and unlimited funds.

Some of my best memories with my Dad were our summer camping trips to the place that we fondly named Moss Lake. (It was mostly moss and not much water.) We would sleep in the back of his 1965 El Camino, cook breakfast together and play 500 Rummy. It was awesome. These are examples of some of the ways that we as parents can create unforgettable moments with our kids. Good memories are easily one of the best gifts that we can give.

What are some of the ways that you create and maintain a special connection with your kids?

I am going to take a risk and assume that I am not the only parent that struggles with this.

Yes, I have a relationship with my iPhone. I sometimes experience separation anxiety while away from my computer and occasionally it gets in the way of being the kind of parent that I want to be. Attentive, not distracted. Caring, not dismissive. Valuing family time, not only my personal interests. You get the idea.

It’s not technology addiction, but you could probably call it tech obsession. For many parents, it’s not about the technology itself, but rather the social connection or the relaxation that comes from playing mindless games. Our modern lives are busy, fast and demanding. Parenting is hard work. Sometimes, you need a break to unwind and get some time to yourself. I would say that this is vitally important to maintain sanity and be an effective parent.

However, sometimes it is a problem. It can get out of hand and take too much of your time and attention away from your kids.

What can you do? (Note: I am writing this to myself, but feel free to listen in)

Set some ground rules

No phones or computers at the dinner table. This particular one has been helpful for me. It makes it much easier to focus on conversation and just enjoy a meal together. Maybe you wait until the kids are in bed or off in their rooms doing homework. Whatever the rules may be, the idea is to guard your family time and be available for your kids when they need you. Are you listening Uriah? Yes.

Ask your partner to remind you

If I am being honest, my wife and I have to remind each other to put down our phones. Ok, if I am being really honest she reminds me more often! This is about making sure that our priorities as parents are in the right order. Often depression and anxiety can be a result of making consistent choices that don’t line up with what you really value. To put it in simple terms, I don’t feel good about myself when I ignore my kids and spend too much time on Facebook.

If you are a single parent, you can come up with creative ways to remind yourself to unplug and refocus. Maybe you set a reminder on your phone or computer to let you know it is time to take a break. You could ask your kids to help keep you accountable. Whatever works for you.

Step away from the iPhone

This is what we therapists would call a behavioral intervention. Basically, it means making a decision to change your behavior and do something different. Leave all the tech at home and go on a walk to the park. Turn off the computer and play a game with your kids. I know that for me, if my phone is in my pocket I will be tempted to check my email and take a look at Facebook. It is simple, but effective to put some distance between you and your particular area of weakness.

Ok, now that this post is finished I am going to close my computer and go play some soccer with my kids!

What are your ideas for helping tech-obsessed parents like me to unplug? I would love to hear what you think in the comments.

PS. Do you think I should get an iPad?

You have questions, I have answers.

These are the questions that I received  and answered in January’s teleseminar on Social Media and Your Teenager. If you are interested in checking out the free audio from the teleseminar click HERE.

Let me know if you have any questions that you would like answers to. I want to support you in being the best parent that you can be for your teenager.

Parent Involvement

How involved should I be in the content of their interactions online?

This is a very personal decision to make. How much privacy do you allow your teen to have? Do you track their every move online. It depends quite a bit on how much you trust your teen to make good choices.

Research also shows that children whose parents closely monitor their friendships and behavior become resilient adults. When the parents are uninvolved, that’s a risk factor for potential behavioral problems.

I would suggest that you make it a point to be involved on some level, but also respect your teen and their desire for privacy.

Should I be able to see everything that happens on Facebook and texting?

It is interesting that new businesses like SafetyWeb have popped up. SafetyWeb charges $10 a month to monitor all social networks and text messages and give parents alerts and reports. “We will even know about cussing,” said Gretchen Pahia, spokesperson for the California company.

I’m not sure that monitoring your teen like a private investigator is such a good idea. While it can be challenging, it is much better if you can develop an honest relationship with your teen.

Should I friend my son or daughter on Facebook?

My short answer is yes. But, it depends on a couple of things. Parents have different approaches to dealing with their teens’ privacy. From full disclosure and password access to granting complete freedom.

The truth is that young adults’ brains aren’t developed enough to think of long-term consequences of their actions until their early 20s, says Linda Fogg-Phillips, a Las Vegas author and lecturer on Facebook and families.

Half of the 75 adults in her Facebook for Parents study group at Stanford said their children won’t friend them.

“What do you mean?” she asked them. “Don’t you feed them and give them shelter? In my house, if they want dinner, they are my Facebook friends.”

Take a look at my post “Facebook: Should I Friend My Teenage Son?” for some more detailed ideas on this question.

There is a lot of room for differing opinions on this issue and ultimately you have to follow your parenting instincts.

Here are some tips from Facebook on how to start a conversation with your teenager.

1. Do you feel like you can tell me if you ever have a problem at school or online?
2. Help me understand why Facebook is important to you.
3. Can you help me set up a Facebook profile?
4. Who are your friends on Facebook?
5. I want to be your friend on Facebook. Would that be OK with you?

Setting limits

How much time is considered reasonable for teens on social media?

This is a question that so many parents are asking.

As you can probably guess, media use by children and teens has gone way up in the last five years. A big part of this is growing use of mobile devices, such as smart phones. A 2010 study claimed that young people now devote an average of 7 hours, 38 minutes to daily media use, or about 53 hours a week, which is more than a full-time job. Some research has shown that only about 1/3 of parents set any limits on screen time for their kids. I think that it is very important to help your teen by setting up some reasonable boundaries. Here are a couple ideas for you.

1. Establish an electronics curfew. You can require that all video games, computers and phones be shut down by a certain time at night. This is helpful b/c teens will often stay up late texting, chatting, playing games and they may not be good at knowing when to shut it all down.

2. Put a priority on non-internet connected activities, such as family dinners without tv or smartphones, going on hikes or playing board games. This can be like pulling teeth at times, but your teen may end up enjoying the opportunity to unplug.

3. Set up routines. Help your teenager set up routines for getting homework done before your they get on the computer.

4. Model the behavior you want to see. It will be hard to tell your teen they are spending too much time on the computer if you’re parked on the couch with your own laptop every night. Think about your own use of technology and what kind of example you are setting. I know that I definitely spend way too much time on my iPhone at times and I have to consider how that is affecting my kids.

5. Show some understanding. Understand that remaining connected to friends online and with texting is important to your teen. Of course, you want them to balance their priorities, but their social relationships are necessary.

6. Implement new rules. If you are creating new rules consider sitting down with your teen to discuss what is fair and reasonable, giving them a chance to have some input. Then be flexible if your new rules are not working and adjust them as needed.

How do I know if I can trust my kids to use social media responsibly?

I believe that you as a parent are the expert on your children. I often encourage parents to trust their own instincts about how to handle situations with their teens. You know if your teen likes to take risks, if he has a track record of making poor choices or if he has friends that you know are trouble. There is a good chance that you have a gut sense about whether or not you can trust your teen and if you should be closely involved.

How do I teach them to want to make good choices about what they watch? So its not me setting the boundary but good disernment becomes intrinsic for them?

As parents, we do our best to give our kids the tools that they need to be responsible and make good choices. It is our job to teach them, protect them and support them when they get themselves in trouble. The challenging part about the teen years is that your teenager may not have the same value that you do about making good choices. In fact they may want to do the opposite.

The truth is that you will likely need to set the important boundaries throughout the teen years while you pray that they are learning good discernment. Developing maturity and critical thinking is a process and for some teens it takes more time than others. Sometimes, it takes quite a bit of patience on our part. Realize that you are providing important life lessons for your teen, even when it seems that all your wisdom is not soaking in.

Online safety

How do I protect my kids from cyberbullying?

Cyberbullying has been a huge topic in the last few years. Bullies have been around forever, but social media has provided a powerful platform for threats, humiliation and harrassment. It is the type of issue that doesn’t really hit home until it happens to your teenager or one of their close friends. This is where equipping your kids with good information can really help.

It is important to teach your teen morals they can apply to any situation, whether they are behind a keyboard or not.

Sandra Dupont, a teen therapist in Los Angeles has some great tips on this subject.

1. Be kind, courteous, honest and polite when online. Lessons you have learned about social behavior applies to your online presence as well. Your words online represent who you are as a person. Be sure you represent yourself well.

2. Don’t forward hurtful emails to or about others. If you are upset with someone, have the courage and consideration to speak respectfully to them about your concerns. Bashing others in an annonymous fashion does not resolve problems.

3. Don’t post photos or videos of embarrassing personal moments. Although possibly humorous at the time, you really do not want photos of yourself (or others) floating around forever on the Internet for all to see. Those photos may later come back to haunt you in the form of damaging your (or someone else’s) reputation. – problem of other people posting photos of your teen

4. Don’t visit sites that put down other people. Even though you may not be posting the the damaging commentary, viewing hurtful information about others for the sake of your entertainment is still just as wrong. (as you are encouraging that behavior)

5. Speak out against online bullying. If you are witness to someone you know being bashed online, you have the opportunity to name it as “bullying.” If you do not feel safe doing so, then can report the information to a trusted adult.

6. Don’t believe vicious rumors that are being spread online. Just because you read something online does not mean it is true.  There is a saying in our legal system: “Innocent until proven guilty.” Do not jump in and continue the spread of lies designed to hurt someone.

7. Protect your password. Often, friends share their password for the sake of being able to post things on other’s walls, pretending to be someone else. The problem is, you can get in a lot of trouble for the things your “friend” posts using your name.

8. Make sure to know the person you add to your “friends” list. Although it can be a game to accumulate as many “friends” as possible, it is safer to actually limit your friends to the people who actually are. Predators, posing as teens, may ask to become a “friend” so that they can learn about that teen’s behavior and location.

9. Don’t engage in online exchanges with Cyber-bullies. Let’s say someone is bullying you online. DO NOT RESPOND TO THEM ONLINE. Instead, block the sender’s email and/or delete them from your “friend’s” list. Then copy and save the cyber-bullying message in a file to use for evidence should you decide to make a report to school, police or the Internet provider.

How do I protect my kids from inappropriate information?

The truth is that we can never protect our kids from everything in life that may hurt them. However, we can take some important steps to decrease the likelihood that they are exposed to inappropriate information, such as drugs or pornography. The best start is with early education about online safety before your child is ever online without supervision. You can install filtering software on all of your computers to block out the most inappropriate sites. You can enable parental controls on iPods and iPads that your kids use.

You can encourage your kids to talk to you when they stumble upon something they know they should not be seeing. Assure them that they will not get in trouble for being honest. The tough part is that teenagers are always exploring, discovering and wanting to learn about life, especially the things that are forbidden. As a parent you can do your best to set them up for success and then try to be OK with the fact that they are going to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them.

What can parents do about sexting?

Sexting has had a lot of mention in the media in the last couple of years. Basically, it refers to the sending, receiving or forwarding of sexually suggestive nude or nearly nude photos through text message or email. This is serious because of several unexpected negative consequences, including embarrassment from such pictures spreading to unintended people, emotional harm and damaged reputations.

Sexting can even become a legal issue because it is essentially possession of child pornography. You can have honest conversations with your teenager about the specific issue of sexting and talk about how to handle such a situation if they are ever in that position. If you find out that your teenager has been involved in sexting make sure they stop immediately.

Find out if the pictures were sent to anyone else. Delete the photos. Try to have a calm and supportive talk about what happened. Communicate with other parents if necessary. If the situation is more serious you may want to consult a lawyer, the police, or other experts on the law in your jurisdiction.

Here is a resource with more information on how to handle this difficult issue. Click HERE.

Other important issues

How do I help my kids develop good social skills online?

I would say that the social skills your teenager has developed in life will likely translate to the online world. If your son has a crude sense of humor and likes playing pranks, there is a good possibility that he will be doing some of those things online. As parents, we natural teach our kids social skills from a young age and part of this learning process is translating those skills to their interactions in social media.

I would also add that the example you set, both online and off will have an impact on the choices your teenager makes. For some of us, being connected to our kids online may cause us to think about the choices we make and what kind of social skills we are modeling.

Are teens vulnerable to imitating what they see on Facebook, YouTube, etc.?

I think the simple answer to this question is yes, teens are vulnerable to imitating what they see online, from the relatively harmless example of copying a skateboarding trick to more serious things like learning how to build homemade bombs. It is important to have some knowledge of what your kids are into online, because it can be a huge influence.

Some kids are more vulnerable than others and social media has taken peer influence and pressure to a whole new level. This is where having an open and honest relationship with your teenager is invaluable.

How do I help my child explain to a peer why they aren’t ‘allowed’ to be friends with them on Facebook when it was our decision as parents to limit our child’s contact with that inappropriate ‘friend’?

This is a great question and definitely a challenging issue to address. I would recommend doing some role-playing, practicing how to share this information and exactly how they can word it. The best approach is to be honest, but use kindness and grace. This might be quite difficult, especially if your son or daughter does not agree with your decision.

How do I know if my teenager is addicted to social media or the internet?

Here are the top 10 warning signs of internet addiction. If your child exhibits three or more of the following traits, it may be time to intervene.

1. Time warp (the inability to determine time spent in online activities)
2. Changes or disruptions in sleep
3. Withdrawing from family and friends
4. Losing interest in other hobbies and recreational activities
5. Spending more than three hours a day, more than four days a week online
6. Physical ailments: backache, carpal tunnel syndrome, nerve pain, eye strain, etc.
7. Emotional disturbance when online access is taken away
8. Withdrawal symptoms after online activities: headache, malaise, light-headedness
9. Continued excess despite serious adverse consequences
10. Spending ever-increasing amounts of time online

If you are concerned that your teenager or one that you care about may be having emotional or behavioral problems, consider talking to a professional counselor. It is always good to get help and support early for teens who are struggling.

What questions do you have about teenagers and social media? Leave your question in the comments section or feel free to email me at uriah@helpthiskid.com.

Photo credit: matt hutchinson

I think I would have loved having YouTube and Facebook as a teenager. Instead, I had to rely on my skateboard to go find my friends or pick up the phone if I got up the courage.

The wonderful thing is . . .

You don’t have to be “cool” to find a place to hang out online.

The online social space is much different than the high school social scene. Almost anyone can find a place where they fit in, whether it is the Facebook page for Nike football, an online forum for anime lovers or the YouTube channel of some obscure internet celebrity. It really is a wonderful opportunity that technology has provided for teenagers.

73% of teens are on a social network and the average teen has 201 Facebook friends. According to my research, most teenagers hang out on Facebook, YouTube and various online forums. Of course, texting trumps many other forms of socializing.

Teens are always finding ways to connect with others

Even the introverts, the painfully shy and the socially awkward. Now these kids have much more opportunity to find a place to belong. I think this is one of the most positive things about the revolution of social networking.

Where did the cool kids hang out when you were young? What do you think about the social benefits of the internet for teens?

If you have questions about Social Media and Your Teenager
check out my upcoming no-cost teleseminar on this important topic.

Click HERE for more information.